October 25, 2009 at 6:56 am (Uncategorized)

We’ve had a really nice day today with two of our nieces and nephews. We went grocery shopping, went swimming, made personal pizzas, and watched a movie. We honestly laugh out loud all the time when we are with kids! They’re just so freaking funny…I constantly regret not having a video camera rolling. Although we literally have at least a dozen moments that left us roaring with laughter I’ll share one moment that had me in tears.

Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday so I encouraged the kids to make her a card. They were both more than happy to do this, but N. tends to have issues with attention. After approximately 2 minutes at the table, N. started wandering, daring his uncle not to tickle him, and the usual avoidance tactics. I encouraged him to come back to the table and finish his card for his mom. “But I can’t draw her” he replied. “Why don’t you try drawing something else?” I responded. (Bear in my mind my husband’s birthday card was a big scarecrow so it’s not as if there’s usually deep-seeded, personal meetings in the cards he makes!:)) Needless-to-say, he convinced his eager sister to draw a picture of their mother. She wrote a few things on the card for him and when he asked her what they said, she very honestly replied, “Happy Birthday Mom! Love N. And this part says, H. drew this” (an arrow pointing to the picture of their mother). N. gasped in disgust, “What?!” H. very honestly responded, “Well I did do it, N.” “Scribble it!” N. exclaimed. H. hesitated for a moment. “Scribble it!” N.’s voice was becoming increasingly loud and intense. So H. very quietly scribbled over the writing that credited her art work. Despite his sister’s compliance, N. continued to grumble “You said, love H. and it’s not. It’s from me! It should say love N., but you wrote love H.” H. responded with a bewildered look on her face, “No I didn’t. I said H. drew this…that’s it.” “Oh” N. responded with a tone of surprise and simplicity. After a moment of silence and a few more scribbles, he looked up at his sister and said, “Well you’re still fired”.


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A dull, numbing pain

October 20, 2009 at 5:15 am (Uncategorized)

I seem to be in a bit of a rut lately. It’s a rut or a pain that I truly cannot articulate. It’s like a constant dull and numbing pain that hovers over and around me all day, every day. I like to think that people around me can’t see this dull, numbing pain – that I work through my day as cheerfully as I normally would (or not )! But maybe they can. Maybe it shows that I am only intermittently engaged in everything that I do, every paper I read, every conversation that I have.

I know that there are many beautiful people who have suffered so deeply from various losses so it is not that I feel sorry for myself. But this doesn’t change that I feel that a part of my heart is missing. As my husband said this morning, “A part of my spirit is broken”.

I don’t like being like this, but I don’t really know else I can do besides take it day by day and try to enjoy the gifts as they come.

I realize I have been a bit of a downer recently…I promise to find something positive to blog about very soon whether or not I find my way out of this rut!I am the kind of person who needs to say my thoughts and feelings out loud to work through them and unfortunately (for you), this is where I’ve been letting them go recently. I just don’t have anywhere else to share them because most people just don’t understand…and I like to give my husband a break from my rants once every couple of hours or so 😉

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