I’m not sure if anyone will read this, but as I sat and worked on my kids stockings tonight I felt overwhelmed with gratitude, joy, and peace. Our children are amazing little human beings.

Andikpeme is doing awesome! We have our struggles still, but we also have some security, confidence, and attachment. I know that we are just at the beginning of this journey, but when you have some sort of base to work off of, his whole world isn’t completely shaken by every little thing. He is amazing! In the last 18 months, he has learnt English, his colors, numbers, letters, shapes, patterns, many different games, social skills, play skills, new rules, boundaries, a whole new culture, and the list just goes on and on. He is sweet, kind, hilarious, and a wonderful older brother. He is soooooo excited for Christmas and we are so excited to be able to really celebrate it with him!

Ekaete is as crazy as ever. She is the most passionate 2-year-old we have ever met. Everything she does is full of passion and emotion. She is a great athlete and loves playing Spiderman or Batman with her older brother. At any given point, she can be seen flying off the edge of a couch or a counter with a blanket hanging out of the back of her shirt! She finds herself hilarious and her Fat Albert-like laugh is constantly echoing through our house. If it’s not, you can almost guarantee she is screaming and yelling at her brother. She has almost mastered the alphabet and has been counting to ten for some time now. She worships her family and makes that very clear to each and every one of us! She is a fire-cracker and she cracks us up constantly!

Makalo is the sweetest little pumpkin in the whole entire world. He is the most chilled out, easy-going, cuddly baby ever. There is very little that can rattle this guy and trust me, his brother and sister have tested this on many occasions. He loves playing with his older siblings, giving kisses, and cuddling (especially with mommy). His eye sight has improved with every appointment and he continues to develop despite being far-sighted so the opthamologist is waiting to give him glasses. He is now pulling himself up on things, crawling up the stairs, and waiving hi and bye. He says mom all day long despite daddy’s best efforts to get him to switch it up and say dad. Like a true member of our family, he is OBSSESSED with food and could eat all day long. He has not turned any food down and has never suggested that he has had enough. He truly is our little angel and we are so grateful he joined our family.

There it is…the reason I am gushing with emotions. I have a beautiful family. And I am so grateful.

Then tonight we were saying good- night on Skype and he asked me when I was coming home. When I told him tomorrow he said, ‘I’m so excited because I love to do crafts with you, I love to do things with you, I love to cook with you…I just love you so much mom!’

Of course he has told me he loves me a million times and I’ve loved it every time. But this one was different. This isn’t a love that stems from being his primary caregiver. He is confident and happy even though I am not there. I could hear it in his voice, I could see it in his eyes, I can sense it in his confidence. It was pure, genuine, selfless love and it made me cry.

Please send pictures, ideas, suggestions, fingers equipped to do fancy hairstyles on relatively short hair pronto! And remember that her hair was shaved along the sides and in the back when we were in South Africa so that is still significantly shorter than the rest of her hair.

I am counting on you internet friends…help a mama out!

I walked in her room and her beautiful smiled lit up the dark room. “Happy!” she whispered to me. “You’re happy?” I asked. “Yeah, happy!”

This makes me happy.

A beautiful woman walked down the street, she was well-dressed and put together. It’s been a while since I felt like that. Part of me grieves the professional within me that is currently gone. I was an autism consultant prior to becoming a mother. I dressed well everyday, I showered daily, I did my hair and make-up, and I made money. Most importantly, I made an impact on people’s lives and I heard and saw that all the time. I cannot tell you how rewarding my job was. I loved my job and I am passionate about the people that I worked with, but that feels like a lifetime away now.

Now I am a stay-at-home mom. I don’t get the chance to shower daily, I rarely look put-together and done-up, and I have no income. I do my hair so infrequently that when I do blow dry my hair, Andikpeme asks me why I look so pretty. (Yes, I appreciate how very sweet and sad this is!) As I drove down that beautiful street that was packed with careless individuals I appreciated just how amazing my job is and how incredibly grateful I am for my truly amazing job. Working with individuals with autism is challenging, but not half as challenging as my current job. I have been stretched and challenged in the last 15 months in ways I never could have imagined. I have had many moments where I’ve thought, “Are we going to make it? Is he going to make it? Did we make a mistake? Would they be better somewhere else? I need to be better! I will do better next time! What the hell is wrong with me??!!” Every single day since the day I became a mom I have also had many moments where I just smile quietly. My children are miracles and I get to meet their needs. What an amazing job!

I think my self-worth comes not from whether or not I see my current job as being important or valuable; rather, it is what I think other people think of me. There have been a few occasions recently where I have been asked my occupation and every single time I hesitated. I am no longer an autism consultant, I am not currently a student, I am no longer on maternity leave from my job. What am I?? I am a mother. Hmmph. On those occasions when I’ve shared that I am at home with my kids, I’ve almost felt compelled to share that I am educated and that I am capable of working outside the home. If I know that it is easier to spend my days helping children and families who are struggling with major mental health issues, problem-solving issues for which there is no easy answer, and working closely with a very large, non-verbal individual whose strongest means of communication is physical aggression than it is to stay home with my beautiful children every day, why am I not proud to say that I am a stay-at-home mom??? I know that many people want to think that we as a society have come so far over the years, but the truth is, I don’t think I’m the only woman who feels compelled to share that I don’t eat bon bons and watch Oprah all day. This saddens me.

I am blessed to live in a country where I am able to work outside the home if I choose. I am blessed to have a husband who is willing to take on extra work so that we can afford for me to stay home with my children. I am blessed to have three amazing children who challenge me every single day to become a better person. I am proud and blessed to be a stay-at-home mom.

He did awesome and we were both so proud of him and happy that he had so much fun!

Andikpeme has pretended he is pregnant ever since we told him that I am pregnant. The poor kid has had “morning” sickness, extreme fatigue (which apparently interferes with his ability to clean up his toys), and a big belly. He’s told me on numerous occasions that he needs to eat lots of food so that he can have a big belly like mine. We have spent a lot of time talking about listening to our bodies because this is one of the things he struggles with, like many children with similar backgrounds. The other day, he was looking at the food on the table, debating whether or not he should have some more. Eventually he said, “My body is telling me that I don’t need more food, mom. I don’t want a big belly like you now. It’s too big”.
Nice.

Daddy asked A. what he was going to say to the new baby when he meets him/her. After some thought, A. said, “Merry Christmas!”

Ekaete is one of the most energetic, engaging, and determined human beings we have ever met, but my words will not capture her personality, actions, and facial expressions. We are almost scared to hear what comes out of her mouth when she starts speaking in sentences. She has a mind of her own and makes sure to let us know that all the time. When she requests things, if she does not call us by name, daddy might prompt her by saying something like, “Ekaete, say mom”. She will look him square in the face every time and say, “Dad” with a little mischievious smile.

Andikpeme approached me right after breakfast…
A: “Can we please get some food today?”
Me: Of course! We just had breakfast and that was food and we will eat a snack later then lunch and so on. We have food everyday. You don’t have to worry about that.
A: No a different food. Like from the tiny workers that come up, take some food, put it in the microwave then bring it to us so we can eat it?
Me: A restaurant?
A: Yeah!

Andikpeme had been playing with his cousin for a few hours and I really wish I’d been listening in on their conversation previous to this request:
A: Mom, I would like to find some more teest for me!
Me: What? Teest?
A: No, tseest
Me: Show me. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
A’s cousin: No teeth
A: Yeah, teess because I need some more to bite my food

Andikpeme and Ekaete are really starting to play with one another and they really do have a lot of fun! Their communication is slightly awkward at times though…

A: (Pointing to his new $4.00 sunglasses as he put on his coat to go play outside with his sister) Mom, please watch my sunglasses and make sure Ekaete doesn’t get them because they are very conspecsice.
Me: Expensive?
A: Yeah, conspensice
A. to Ekaete: Ekaete those sunglasses are very conspensice so you can’t touch them. (Ekaete eagerly nods in agreement). Are you going to touch them? (Ekaete smiles and nods enthusiastically). No! No, you’re not going to touch them. They are conspensive, right mom?!
Ekaete: (Shakes her head back and forth) Owie!!!

Believe it or not they both walked away from that conversation feeling quite satisfied with how it went!